Dancing Meringue
Do you like to dance? Once upon a time several years ago, my husband and I bought an instructional DVD on how to ballroom dance. We practiced and worked together, and eventually became good enough to move through a few of the dances successfully. I can't imagine we would be very good at it now since it's been years since we have practiced. Some things you really need to keep up with to do well.
I'm finding that in married life, building good communication is like learning to dance together. Done well, it is smooth, rhythmical, unifying, and can be exhilarating at times. But nine times out of ten, our spouse's preferred "dancing style" is not our own. And, given the fact that men and women are vastly different creatures, our communication styles are more than likely to diverge.
Maybe he likes hip hop. You are more of a Meringue girl yourself. So how do you dance together and learn to do it well? Who gets to pick? Is it fair for you to only hip hop all the time? Or if you make him Meringue every evening when he gets home from work?
In marriage, as is probably true for any relationship, the biggest hindrance to growing the relationship into maturity is selfishness. News flash - we are all by nature very selfish. We want to dance together, but we want our partner to do it our way every time.
I think one key element in becoming lifelong excellent dance partners (i.e. good communicators) is to learn each other's "dance language". Find out why he likes hip hop so much. Find out when she began dancing Meringue (she may not even know; it may be that her family always danced this way). Learn to listen to each other - and learn to do so with compassion and understanding, not judgment. This way you both can feel safe enough to consider where you've been and where you'd like to go.
Maybe you both would like to learn a new dance. Maybe the ones you've always done don't work that well. It takes consistent time and effort, but it can be done. Think of the outcomes you'd like to see - respect, trust, compassion, understanding, intimacy - who among us doesn't desire these in our deepest relationships? It takes work, but it is so worth the effort. Consider it a daily investment in the life of your marriage.
It takes choosing to see beyond ourselves enough to focus on how the other person is thinking and feeling - really listening - and then identifying and meeting what he or she needs. As we practice this in a safe environment, and respond in ways which meet those needs well, we can learn to dance on a whole new level - dancing together in harmony.
Blessings.
I'm finding that in married life, building good communication is like learning to dance together. Done well, it is smooth, rhythmical, unifying, and can be exhilarating at times. But nine times out of ten, our spouse's preferred "dancing style" is not our own. And, given the fact that men and women are vastly different creatures, our communication styles are more than likely to diverge.
Maybe he likes hip hop. You are more of a Meringue girl yourself. So how do you dance together and learn to do it well? Who gets to pick? Is it fair for you to only hip hop all the time? Or if you make him Meringue every evening when he gets home from work?
I think one key element in becoming lifelong excellent dance partners (i.e. good communicators) is to learn each other's "dance language". Find out why he likes hip hop so much. Find out when she began dancing Meringue (she may not even know; it may be that her family always danced this way). Learn to listen to each other - and learn to do so with compassion and understanding, not judgment. This way you both can feel safe enough to consider where you've been and where you'd like to go.
Maybe you both would like to learn a new dance. Maybe the ones you've always done don't work that well. It takes consistent time and effort, but it can be done. Think of the outcomes you'd like to see - respect, trust, compassion, understanding, intimacy - who among us doesn't desire these in our deepest relationships? It takes work, but it is so worth the effort. Consider it a daily investment in the life of your marriage.
It takes choosing to see beyond ourselves enough to focus on how the other person is thinking and feeling - really listening - and then identifying and meeting what he or she needs. As we practice this in a safe environment, and respond in ways which meet those needs well, we can learn to dance on a whole new level - dancing together in harmony.
Blessings.
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